the life of ♥MINT♥

2011-02-01T03:10:00.002+08:00

hey peeps!

its been lonnngg since i blogged!

almost a year man..hahas.

2010 has passed and its 2011. time flies very fast even im amazed!

2010 was a year of hell. still remember when i was so kiasu for studying for my O levels. ended up i still fail hais.. what a failure! =(

super disappointed with myself till im stuck thinking and thinking what to do next.

i wish i was strong. its like i cant move on and always saying that im not ready for anything!

all i could do was rot at home waiting for the most perfect solution that make sense to me. i refuse to listen to my friends although they have given me tons of advice. but im stubborn i still want professional advice from someone elder and wiser.

money is also an issue now. im jobless!!

urghh... cant take it mann.. feel like its totally the end of me. i cant seem to do anything right.

whatever im doing seems so wrong and whenever i want to do something, i will ask myself whether do i deserve this and if im being dragged by my friends i will curse and swear myself.

its like im totally crazy uh now. im always belittling myself and always saying that IM SUCH A FAILURE and simply just cant do anything right. i want to get out of this attitude much but i just cant. i tried hard to have all those positive thinking end up back square one! what the hell uhs!

too disappointed in myself alr. i find that god is testing me again and again yet i do nothing but whine and whine like a small child. i really cant help it! i need help. i wish i was more mature so that i can handle things more easier. im so narrow minded thats all i can say.

probably im gonna start school in august or maybe later. im taking diploma in psychology and its gna cause my pocket. bloody hell $10000 uh. haiyo..

i miss anne la!!! i want her!!!

can i adopt a baby? lol

2010-03-29T03:21:00.002+08:00

FRIENDS;
in the afternoon went out with baby!
went to bugis. walk2 had dinner and home.
just returned not long ago from adam's corner with Alnin,Ben and Patrick.
quite a good outing. get to know some facts from ben although it hurts to hear but im alright with it because im willing to change for the better but will you? pointing fingers just wont work. For Gregory Ho Jia jJun, im going to be stern on you from now.dont hate me cause i have to do my part as a friend.its going to be harsh. i want to wake you up from your ''own world''. i dont want to see you sweeping the roads when you get older.(im sorry).
best part is that they say i never contact them. a big WOW man.
haiss forget it! no point saying it out already cause when i say they give some stupid sour faces and just blame me.better still comparing me with them now. wtf??
yala i know im not the only one taking o level but this really mean alot to me. like really alot!
now i drifting apart from everyone. i can clearly sense it. their hate for me is growing bigger and bigger right kin? right ben? i know..
WEIGHT PROBLEM;
for the first time i think i should really lose weight!!
and im gonna do it slowly or maybe..idk.but i have to lose weight because i cant really run like last time already and i have to cut down my cigarettes as well. its just bringing harm to me not good and the future courier that i wanna have is very strict about weight and here i am gaining kilos after kilos until someone came to me and said u need to lose weight girl.a personal trainer which is today when i met her at bugis.
STUDIES,SCHOOL;
sometimes i lost interest in studies sometimes i pull up my socks.
i really dont know what to do but this year just totally sucked!
all those homeworks are just making me go crazy!
and thanks to homework i failed in ca1. like totally down man.i was like fucked up!
dint tell my parents bout it as i know what they would say.
class is so sucky now! we have to seat in different seats arranged by our teachers.that part im fine.but they put in the place where i dont have the fan and at the corner where i cant see the visualizer! fuck mr ng! whats the motive putting me at the corner huh?! you think i cant study is it? beside the corridor somemore with all those fucking sec 1 students! stomping their way to classes and shouting on top of their lungs when coming back from recess or whenever la!
FAMILY;
mum is totally being a freak! shes freaking out at all the small things or should i say paranoid?
i really dont know what some more to do with her she just..*lost for words. =(
if not comparing me to the cousins, nag, if not nag always tracking me down on my whereabouts.
in every way she can until my friends get really fed up with me! simply hate her but i love her.
and i got to know something..this phrase..'which daughter will ever hate her dad?'
im shocked when i think the answer to it and all in mind was.. yes.no daughter will ever hate her dad no matter how mean he is. idk why but thats just the answer.think about it all troubled daughters out there. thats the same answer u are going to get.
CONFESSION;
IM INNOCENT! i did not do anything wrong! why you guys just dont believe me? i did not get caught by the police!
i HATE homeworks!!!
i HATE Mr NG WEE CHUNG!
I THINK THERES SOMETHING GROWING IM MY STOMACH..GRR..

2010-03-06T06:21:00.003+08:00

its like six thirty now and i still havent got a wink of sleep.
all thanks to my uneasy heart.
crying out the whole night was a good thing to do though.thats what i just did and i just stopped. cried from 12 till 615 when finally ive really calm down.
things are just getting so much worser for me.i just dont know why and i have decided to leave those i love. seriously i have my reasons. you guys will be much better off without me.okays?
although my number one fear in this bad world is being alone.
im telling myself that i have to independent now. stop depending on others.
well i gave my farewell to isra and syaqinah and ben already.
i am not sure whether do they take it seriously or not but i do.
i dont know what make me made my decision this way but i think thats the best solution for me and my friends.
haiss..its hard for as well as for them but i will try and live with it.
this is my consequence for not coming to school punctually and daily.
its not that i dont want come. its really at night i was studying trying to make up all those words that i dont understand makes sense.
im a very slow learner but i do my best to understand the concept.
mummy is always putting pressure on me which i dont understnd why?!
like crazy mother i have.call my teachers, come to school just to let them know that i have not been coming punctually and regularly. sometimes i really want to put her in a mental asylum but i dont have the heart to. my heart is just too soft!
which child doesnt loves the mother? well i guess no one right. everyone loves their parents. its just that they dont show it and express it and the people are like me.
i simply dont know how to express my love to them cos its just way too complicated!
in their eyes im just a troublemaker and nothing else.
now me and my mum are not in talking terms which i dont understnd why..
well ive set my goals and i want to achieve it! i dont want just say only but action speak louder than words.
and theres this guy in my school a silent reader of my blog which actually i have not seen him around the school eventhough i have been 7 years in this crap school.
well..i dint know he existed but one thing for sure; he has a good heart. he said something that moved me.
well i was touched by his words seriously. i think out of 20 of my friends you are the only one that would say all those words and you know what?
ThAnK yOu! =)

2010-01-11T20:13:00.001+08:00

this year resolutions are just one and only.
pass my O levels and get into polytechnic.
i know its not gonna be easy but im gonna strive hard although i know i have to sacrifice alot of things.
teachers have been talking to me like a lot recently and i get the point but at least give some encouragement please. i will be ready for o levels once i have paid my debts off. paying for a crashed car is not cheap aite. further more it is in aussie dollars. it will take me ten weekends to finish paying off and that will be the end of february and after that i have promised only to work on Saturdays instead on all weekends. i need time to think through alot of things. i have to think whats good and bad for me this year. i have never pass five subjects in my entire secondary life and give me a break man! im nineteen this year. let me decide my future for myself. stop telling me what to do alright?! although i know i could have done better for my n level. i started late for n levels and yes its my fault i admit. all that does not matters now. what is done cant be undone. important thing is im here in sec 5 now thats all matters to me and im really proud of myself that whatever im doing now its because i wanted to do it. im not being forced or pushed by anyone. its me who wanted it! its siti aminah who wanted it.im not doing this for anyone but MYSELF!
finally..i know what i have always wanted. the feeling is so satisfactory that i can just step out and walk without looking back.

right now im down with throat infections and its making me sick.
really sick and i hate it. all my nights has been very chilly and me moaning in pain. my throat is so pain that i could not even eat.
thanks to the fish bone that i force myself to swallow down which cuts my throat.asshole.
seeing doctor in a few minutes time with ben. i feel so fatigue.i really hope i get well soon as i do not want to miss any important lessons at the beginning of the year.
ta..

2009-12-06T00:14:00.003+08:00

why does nobody understands me?
am i that difficult to understand?!
im so angry that i can kill somebody right now.
i really need to get counselling
im always in a mess. i feel that theres really something wrong with me. all my friends says im all right but i dont think so. i feel like im missing an organ in my body or maybe worse!
i really want to know what. i feel like my thinking is so young that i cannot take any setbacks. im having stress and i hate it. i dont like the feeling at all. its so uneasy. i want to be wild and free until i can feel the sun.

alnin says forgive and forget. what is there to forgive and forget?
i dont get it but i really have to learn to let go.
letting go isnt easy but i will try maybe a good night sleep will be good for me.

right now im having stomach cramps. its real bad.
and its confirm not my periods because im over and done with like a week ago but probably its coming again due to my stressed. and i will not be shocked if my period come again for a visit because it happened before.in pain..erghh...

got my hair done today. something different bored of ponytails.
its a bob.weeee..cant wait to go out and show it to the others.

PERTH IS CONFIRMED!
Departing on the 28 december and Arriving on the 7 january.
a ten night trip that will assure to take my mind off things! things that are supposed to be thought about!

2009-11-10T13:12:00.005+08:00

My heart is just like that bubble that ive blown. i can take as much as it expands. but after a time it just have to burst. i bursted it to people i can trust. and im glad i had a very convincing one.
thanks. i appreciate it!
that hair done was prepared by putri. it was a day before my birthday. all i wanted was just to look something different than how i always looked. gee..

on my birthday..
its true that ive loads of fun till i forgot the world when i got up on the pole and dance.
it was a hell of a night.
im thanking all those who celebrated my birthday with me and made my day HAPPENING.
THANK YOU! =)

my birthday present. some stranger got me this. and im very thankful. he even rock the machine to get me this. and my birthday was celebrated at oasis 68.

the people that were there. of course there were more. but couldnt get them into one pic.

CHIVAS was for the night. Two bottles. second opened by topaz and co. thanks. =)
power house was next. abit boring till i met abg boi. hes cute he gave me a kiss on my hand as a birthday present i guessed. then home. woke up at 11 next morning and so on for the next celebration.

and now, i found myself a job. and im working.
working hard. i want to go to perth! no matter what happens. im saving up. no matter how sucky my job is or the people around me i dont give a damn! fuck favian! the guy that crushed my voucher when i did nothing wrong and i said why are so mean? he says everybody takes my kindness forgranted and i went off after taking back my voucher. im going to stay on no matter what! go to hell with your fuckng moods. im not gonna entertain you at all. im there to work not to take care of you! you dont know me well enough so dont mess with me mister. favian is my team leader. he instructs the part timers what has to be done. and i have no obligations with that until he have some attitude problem towards me. he doesnt wants to confront me which i dont understand why. so should i make the move? or should i just keep quiet and act like nothing has happened. i cant do that cause its bothering me. i cant work if im not happy. i will not enjoy it. i will get stressed out!
and then theres this guy name madi. he is a chef. and i like him until he took out some words that i dont expect to hear from him. and he was marked a CROSSED! everytime when i enter the back area i would be looking at him but now i dont but he has been looking at me trying to play the winking game that we always do on each other. and i tried my very best not to look up.i always looked from under my eyelashes if he is looking at me and yes he is and wanting me to look back and i seriously i feel like going up to him and ask him what he wants. but ive got no guts.=( i can see his eyes searching for my attention but i dont care and went out. i felt very heavy but somethings we just have to let go.thanks raziq for teaching me this theory. he answered like that when i asked if he misses me. and i know its a definite yes!
my job is fun if the people i know is there working the same shift as i am and we can just do our work like in no time we dont even feel tired because we enjoyed doing what we we are doin. im off for like three days starting from tomorrow.i deserved it because i never submit my roster for this week which im not aware of and i was scolded bullshit!. okay! ENOUGH ABOUT MY JOB!
ITS BORING! I ADMIIT!

and tonight is drinking night!
im gonna have fun! loads and loads of them!

MY DEAR BENJAMIN TAN ZHI JIAN,
HAPPY ADVANCED BIRTHDAY! I LOVE YOU MANY MANY BABY BOY.

2009-10-08T01:08:00.002+08:00

out of nowhere im blogging because..
im thinking of sth and cant find anywhere to take it out to.
hehe
oh god..
n levels are like ending soon and i really hope i can take o levels.
without o levels im nothing man.
seriously..
haiss..
im missing someone so much right now.
the guilty feeling that ive done sth behind ure back. making u suffer waiting for my calls when i dint called.im sorry.i dont think we can continue this.u call it love.but i call it bullshit! i want to come clean.and ive promised that. i will when we meet.
till then i have to be patient cause its gonna hurt you.i dont like coming clean on the phone cause i wanna see ur reaction.yes i did love u once but only once.after waiting for so long u came back then the feeling came back but then the things i have done is never gonna make you or me happy.its gonna hurt a thousand stabs. im just putting on a mask. cant you tell far away love?

oh well..
im gonna be back with the past two months things ive done and let me tell you guys its full of emotions and its gonna be a fking long post!

i miss that kiss.i hope i will see you again.
although u find me irritating,i hope u did that when ure sober and not drunk.
because i know u and me can work out.like real..
haha.
aminah is dreaming....lalalalalalala

2009-08-25T01:03:00.005+08:00

the CACAT family...

lycheee the heartbroken girl..ily!

my new favourite movie..Hugh JacKman.hes damn hot mann.. X mens the origins. =)

thats me when im stressed studying. i miss that ring around my finger but i dont need that ring around my finger to make me feel complete although someone promise me to give it back..bluek!

thats just naturally me..=)(with makeup)

my two assholes..always giving me pain in the ass..heees..love you guys..

uffie and me..the asshole thats not worth missing for..teehee..=)

second snap! cheese!!

mint is my name. the girl that loves her friends, admiring a guy of three kids,trying not to fall in love with a casanova who fucked her for two consecutive days. =)

im an innocent bitch! or should i say fat bitch? haha..i dont care what people say bout me.im happy with my life although its full of ups and down. =) im not faking anything its all real..haha.

my BabyGIRL....I LOVE HER TO THE MARS... my only laughing pill that by just one glance of her my sorrows are gone.too adorable to even scold her..although i do sometimes. =)

ben and me..my sweet and sour boy.

me and confused girlfriend...i look very nerd up there huh?? haha im one i admit! but im good in somewhere where someone enjoys it very much!

my no season love...

babygirl just woke up...

my one and only best clubbing partner! mirza feroze piperdy.i will always love you no matter what happens and im sure you know that.. ;) u will always be in my heart.

all we had was just fun fun fun fun fun!!

a splendid night for the two of us! ZIRCA rocks US!

tequila sunrise anyone? hehehe

going crazy...

another shot for the two of us as 1 is never enough..

unforgettable memorable night!

again its us.departing with each other really hurts..=(

well N LEVELS are just a week or so away..
and ive been studying alot..like really alot..
i find thats its really pointless going to school now because all the teachers do is just give us worksheets and worksheets and leave us to do it..might as well we stay at home and get enough rest then after resting revised through our subjects.
true?
its been hard on me this few days because ive got to balance work and study at the same time but i dont find it a problem because i can manage both well. although some times its cramped up.
prelims results are out and i only pass three subjects. im starting to pull up my socks as high as possible as i do not want anyone to be dissapointed by my results especially me as i have high expectations. im turning 18 this yr. if im wasting time it means that im wasting money.i cant live on my parents forever. they are getting old and senile..hehehe.. and im an independent girl the only thing that they support me is just shelter and school fees which leaves me with no choice.
i dont want anything to get into my way at this time of point..especially when it comes to relations. im saying NO!!!

*a post for someone who has a very high sense of ego and backstabber.(name not to be mentioned!)
heyy there! hope ure doing well..
u might still be confused what uve said bout me or maybe that u just forgot.idk.u decide.
i really hope that ure studying enough for ur upcoming n levels as i always see you around with people u should not be with. prioritize ur studies and u will go far as uve planned. action speak louder than words. work hard play hard! takecare. i will not forget you!

2009-07-24T21:28:00.002+08:00

im damn worried.
exams are like a few weeks away and lots of problems crop up at this time of point.damn stressful siaa..i cnnt take too much stress..and i thinks lots of my friends can see cos ive been asking for chocs every now and then.and im gaining lots of weight and thats one of my worries as im afraid i might have health problems as im already a heavy smoker.

my mum wants me to fail my n level
my dad hates me like shit
my brother hates me like shit
my sister despise me.
my friends idk.
my cousins look down on me as im alr 18 ive do not own any qualifications yet!

i just feel like running away from home.
i feel so problematic!
its like ive been studying like shit and stuffs then MY OWN MUM ask me to give up as she never see me studying when she sleeping like a pig i study like hell in the kitchen and this is the reason why i can never get to sch on time.i always get to bed at 2-4 in the morning then at 7-8 get up.u imagine everyday like that wont die mehh..and somemore the stressful part that i just heard mr cheong wants to take me out from class during lessons time just to do cwo! omg!!!!
another thing i confirm can die cos when i am studying he wants me to come out which i cant bear to do at all.everything is just so precious to me.even a min counts.im always busy either im working or studying or just sth else. the reason for my late night studying its because i cant find peace at home until its night time. and also some time make noise because why i on the kitchen light.then what im supposed to study with huh?candles?
i really really feel like shit right now. seriously why am i born into this family which hates me alot?! i dont get love instead i got hate!
haiyaa..its not that i ask for alot all that ive asked for is just 2 dollars per day from monday to friday thats it!
the rest no need.
imagine she doesnt have to top up my ezlink and all.no need buy me clothes all this. lucky right this kind of parents where the child doesnt work stabiliy but pays everything for herself! and my pay is only afew few pathetic hundred and ive got to pay all by myself not forgetting im a smoker. sometimes i feel like just giving up on this n level thing but deep down inside that not what i want at all its the surroundings thats forcing me to do it! so all i have to do is strengthten my poor weak soul thats craving for love.
its just so complicated!
haiss...

2009-07-03T01:33:00.002+08:00

i know that we are not that serious.but spare a thought for me will ya?
putting up guys pictures on msn and claiming that thats ur friend?
common la! ive played this trick before.god!
im alr so stressed up somemore u add salt to the injury.
you have changed.
you are not the one i used to have.ive lost you.lost you in many ways.
maybe im in the wrong! i shouldnt be in a relationship with you as i always know that love hurts and the word love is a lie! to me it doesnt exists!
ive always hate it since my first love left me and from there i believed that love doesnt exists!
its all fake and fiction!
and now im wondering getting close to cousins is also very difficult.
its a guy..when we care too much he would ignore and when we dont care he would find and when i replied he went silent and never come back.weird uhh.cacat!
haiss..my company is still the best!

bored bored bored!

N LEVELS DONT COME NEAR PLEASE!
its giving me depression that i cant take too much if not i will go crazy.
im not doing enough for you!
im not ready at all.
can i retain for another year?
i wouldnt mind cos this is my life.
i dont care what people will think.this is my life that im gna lead not theirs.
its my path not theirs.i will set it straight and not crooked!
i wanna be smart!
feeling very very very worried!*shivers

2009-06-24T23:55:00.002+08:00

yohaa..
today day was great until stepped back home.
today woke up at 330pm due last night slept very late arnd 5am.
i came back home at 2am with cuzzies yest because we went to mustafa then to jb with teacher pul,becoming teacher nurul,doctor jihan,and radia and rohaidah tuition teachers and myself untitled.damn sad la.haishh..its okay the journey is still long for me.im gonna get a title! =)
then headed back home talk to lynn cos she facing problems and thats when i slept at 5am.
ditch badminton in the morning with cuzzies and tuition.was quite lazy as not enough sleep.
then the whole day was playing badminton with b.then met with greg and gf,it was their 1 year anniversary.Happy anniversary guys..then ilana and boiboi was their 10th monthsary.then came lydia and lynn..dint talk much to ilana and lydia as was busy playing badminton.hee..
had really gud fun until it was too tired to even smoke.then came back home when the most sickening part came.mum and dad started shouting at me for mixing arnd with b.
its like shes was an addict but no more siaa..people change.its like all this kuno people ought to die siaa..dont ought to live.
till here then..on the phone now

2009-06-19T02:20:00.002+08:00

this week so much has happened yet im still strong.recovering from everything from time to time.from friendships to deaths.
ive never been this strong but i pulled through it and im glad.
rite now residing at cousins place for the time being.
ive lots of things undone.like coursework taking my report book and lotsa of more stuffs and im like worried la especially my coursework.i really have no time at all man.even if i do it will be around this time.which when the school is close.
i think im gonna live with regrets again.this shit always happens to me and i hate it like hell.i always make the wrong move.first was my aunt on fathers side and now its my uncle on mums side.this is because i think too much for friends until i have no time for my family and this is what i get in return.haiss.i have very poor time management so this is what ive planned ahead.im gonna put family first no matter what.how irritating or whatever.second my studies.im gonna push really hard as ive not done well in sa1.gawd!so stressful.i have ambitions to be fulfilled and im doing this for myself.not for anyone but myself!im gonna show the world that im worth something.
i wonder how im gonna live with my regrets now.
it took me quite long to recover the last.so let me do sth thats gonna make me feel better.i feel really sad.i really am.=(
holidays are going to be over in like a week or so.and ive NOT done any shopping or outing at all and thats really bad because after holidays means study.no more time to play anymore.and my play is not that go to the playground and stuff like that its like meeting up my friends for snack or slacking around or even going to malls.

rahim.
he has created me a rule and the rule is i have to goto bed before 11.
wow! its like s0 difficult for me to sleep and he wants me to do it.and i dont think i can unless i lie la.idk who is gonna benefit on this shit but i think he will cos he has to have enough sleep to work the next day.

messages.
ive been receiving all this sisters msges and sometimes i wonder is it just a normal forwarded msg or do they really meant it?thats what has been playing around my mind for this few days cos i have been receiving alot lately like 16 of them.for me,before senting them out i make sure they deserve this msg.im not those that forward blindly or send for the sake of sending.

ps:whatever the case is im still gonna love you

2009-06-05T04:18:00.003+08:00

wednesday
went out with mum to expo with ilana.
suck like totally.
fuck up siaa from the food to the types of food.
gawd!
waste time only.bought kebab cost me like 6 bucks okeh..not nice!
at nite..
slept over at lynn house.
celebrated daddy birthday and hes 45 years old..so young yet have a 19 year old daughter.cool?
unlike me im 18 and my dad is 55..old mann.old siaa..
the age gap is so far until we cannot understand each other.
came the drinking sessions..abosolut with red wine and tiger beer.gawd.high siaa..drank three glasses only as cannot take it.tipsy thats the feeling..then talk talk talk.blablablabla.
girls talk will never end..you should know...when the girls meet up they never stop talking theres always sth to talk about.
went off about 9 at night.the whole day at her house layankan kerena daughter..jahatt..
then off to meet ilana and ben and alnin.
thats for the day

thursday..
went to work.
before going to work,took an hour on deciding what to wear siaa..
seems that nothing is in my wardrobe.that means i need to go SHOPPING!
i really need to.urgently.
students results came out good.
thanks to ME!
YES ME!
im overboard am i?
haha.i know.=)
after work went back to change and out again met up with syaqinah and ridwan came along my cacat lovable brother ben.he was after work.
went to hg point had a lil snack and off to home.
and later at 7 in the evening im off to work again.
and i dont know what comes next before and after seven.
hopes it turn out good.=D

2009-06-01T01:34:00.002+08:00

im dead drunk!
its painful!
its been jammed!

usually i drink when i club but not for the past two days when i sit and drink.with no music nothing except for cards for entertainment!
gawd!

im drunk laaaaaaaaaaaaa
=)))
and someone is angry for that.
im worried.=(

vodka 21 rules mann..
i cant even smoke properly!
FANTASTIC!!

2009-05-31T12:58:00.002+08:00

it was cycling for friday night.
went to changi then to east coast and backk to hougang.
overall journey was okayy...quite funn.
otw back witnessed an accident.
i was stopping waiting for the rest at the bustop when a loud bang heard!
i turned and saw a car banged onto the green2 thing like railing like that.
first thing that crossed my mind was 4D!
muahahaha
rushed to help the driver out,turn out to be a woman.
asked her how come she bang on the railings she said she fell asleep..cool huh??
wtf..wtf..driving also can fall asleep.cannot blame her actually..her aircon was full blast mann..

saturday..nothing much happened as the whole afternoon was at home rotting like hell due to my bad cough.my cough is real bad it needs to be treated.its like 3 bottles of cough syrup is gone.
and my bad cough is still here.at night met syaqinah ridhwan and pamela and ilana
played didi all the way until i went to packet some food to eat cos have not eaten for the whole day..hungry~
came back then pamela and ridwan wanted to make a move.
then the best part came...drinking session with tengku,liliq,kak mustika and myself..wahh shiok mann..its been a long time since i have this feeling..the tipsy feeling..i feel so light...it was tequila gold for the night.tequila gold with apple juice is nice mann..a great mixture.
just nice.not too strong not too tasteless.

and todayy...woke up at 12 due to the noise level at home cos dads home and the whole family wanted to go out to JB!
wee....the house is empty!
left me and the house..im so gna rock and roll mann with my bad cough.
now im off to take a bath..
HOT!

2009-05-28T02:02:00.003+08:00

well i wanna blog about this guy up here.
he is in indonesia.
and he's my love.
he says he loves me and i believe it.
the problem that i have is that he so far.
the question on my mind.
are we fated?
just finish talking him over the phone.
he called and say he misses me very much.
and i also said tht i miss him too..very..
how we get to noe each other?
well for me it was love at first sight!
i love him from the beginning alr.
well went to bintan for cip.
fun arhh i tell youu..i wanna go again..but this time round if possible nt with mr fong! hes furious!
it was a 4day 3night stay.
everything was beautiful.especially the sunset.
we can never get sunsets in singapore mind u people.
at first he dint want to talk to me as he was shy.can tell.
i wonder if indonesians men are shy..
hmm..cant be cos at pasar mlm i see them shouting everywhere but diff ppl diff attitude.
before i separate which was the last day of stay with him i left him a name card of mine.
self made!
hehe..
waited for months no replies.no msges no calls.nth!
decided to give up and on the way through then he sms me and that was on 7 of april 2009.
imagine how long i waited ..teeheehee..
i waited for almost 10 mths.
and when i get to know its him.i was overjoyed!
overjoyed till i shouted arhh..im sure syaqinah would remember how it happened.
i was fucking noisy and abit confused on the languange hes using cos indonesia and malaysia speaking is diff.we are more to malaysia style of speaking.
this is the first msg he sent me-
indahnya manusia
kerana akhlak;
indah cinta
kerana sayang;
indah malam
kerana bulan;
indah persahabatan
kerana kejujuran ;
indah kehidupan
kerana teman indah(diriku)
kerana ada dirimu..

means..
humans are beautiful because of their well being;
love is beautiful because of love;
the night is beautiful because of the moon;
friendship is beautiful because of trustworthy;
living life is beautiful because of beautiful friends
beautiful friends because i have friends like you..

wee..im overjoyed mann..
haha.
i love him but im confused!
hes far..
i feel lucky though hes far at least im being loved..
he's simple,hardworking village boy..

and i wanted to post a lil sth for my friends who have lost their way through relationships.
be strong.!
after rain theres always sunshine.my darling quote..
theres no room for weakness
okay laureen?
dont keep on sobbing.
sobbing wont solve anything.
dont worry im always here no matter what
be it storm or blazing hot sun
or even the rainbows..
=)
in happy or sad times..
im here.always..u choose..
okay friends..
i love you all as much as i love my ciggarettes.

2009-05-26T20:57:00.002+08:00

mint aminah is sick and tired of those sweet talk thingy.
shes just sick sick and tired of it!
she hates it alot when people gives her false hopes.
especially when it comes to falling in love. and i noe that im very weak in that.
haiss..
i miss school..been a long time since i wore my uniform.
glad to know that i can return tmr to do my practical
im going to give my very best in that.jiayou aminah!
i never had a dream come true so far so im gna make this possible.
i miss my past. very very much. when i was the youngest and being pampered by the rest.
not with parents but friends.

what have i been doing lately?
i having been having very very late nights and waking up late also.
i will turn it at 5-6am and wake up at 1-2pm .
i just cant sleep.insomnia..
too much things has been bothering me.
just too much untill i will hang my head down.

2009-05-21T01:08:00.002+08:00

okay im gonna be bored to death i tell youu cos tomorrow is gonna be the 21st may and that means that my suspension starts which im gonna miss my career day,my practical preparation(not sure yet cos gotta to talk to whoever in charge of my suspension thing)

posting again.too tired

2009-05-19T18:21:00.002+08:00

im so cocked up!
i felt so lost!
i dont need mum to hit me alr and i can feel damn lost!
her words really cut me deep till idk what to do alr.
i took wadeva i could and went down lucky isra and raziq was there if not i think i would be lost maybe in the terrace again.
i drew and drew wadeva i could but to no avail.
my anger is sill there.and still angry.
mums talks like i owe her my life like that.
wtf?? nonsense eh she..cocked up!
she never understands me at all..
she says all the past time stuffs again again! and im fucking sick of listening to it!
drugs came out,never coming back came out,police came out,petapis came out,urine test came out,retaining came out,bpc came out,court came out,people talking about me came out.everything laaa.asshole. i told her ive changed alr not like last time still dont want believe what can i do?
nothing what!!
bunch of suckers.
the other day just happy happy talk about my future like that then today...COCKED UP!
supposed to go out then cancelled due to mother.
i hate it when i cancelled sth ive planned to do.
the reason for our fight was i bought a bar of chocolate at 3 in the morning today.
whats the big deal??
chocolate only what!
cacat!
!!@#@#$!@#$%%&*&*%$#@@@#$$%^&*&%#!@#$^^&*(&&^$@@@@#$$$****&&&^^***^^&*****%%%^^&$$%%######
all those rubbish came out!
and seriously im really tired of it.sick and tired until felt so helpless,hopeless and useless..
i feel that im born just to listen to mum scoldings and scoldings and scoldings.
are all mums born to us to be scolded at? shouted at? sweared at?
nuts nuts nuts nuts nuts nuts nuts
i hate you mummy!!!
i really hate you!
all my future plans haved changed now! no more taking care of you alr.you can get out of my bloody sight when im out from this house.
yea! you treat me like a piece of shit when i was younger so why must i be nice to you in the future? i want to have a heart made up of stone not a soft heart! although i have a damn soft heart! im gonna make it hard when it comes to you! wars not over mum! it will never be over between you and me!

i think i should avoid everybody now
nobody cares so why should i?
im lazy alr to do wadeva.i wanna get a job and flee...
i want to go to australia at the end of the year by myself!

2009-05-15T01:20:00.002+08:00

im happy that ben and laureen patch up.
i really do.regardless of my help or not they still want to continue their journey.
im glad it happened!
but for ilana no its not turning out well at all.
its the opposite.
ilana wants to patch up but boiboi dosen.
and it really hurts me to see ilana cry.
and she would vent her anger on me and stuff..i know that she is stressed up and stuff thats why she did that and still angry at me bout the past .i know i know how it feels. but seriously i dint meant a thing! you were never like this before towards me.but i dont mind. as long as i can take i take. all those hugs and kisses i gave her was sincere from my heart none of them was out from symphathy. it seriously hurts me. but this is life you got to accept the facts.im really stressed sia..i cant bear to see my friends been through hardships nvm me cos ive experienced it all.just name it!
i may look dumb or whatever but im not. im always caring for you,here for you.
and now im also crying.it justs hurts me alot to see you in this condition. i wish i was the one taking it not you.
but im really glad that someone there to hear me out.
and syaqinah seriously i can sense ur love for me now.i can sense it alr or maybe youve change.
sorry for all those slaps on your thighs jus now.i was just playing around.
after all these years ive been alone i even forgot how is the feeling of love like. i find it really pointless of falling in love again. ive lost once i truly dont wan to lose till my last breath why not the second time?
too scared to fall in love alr..phobia..
maybe im born not to be in love but just love my friends only and i can see that im 3/4 there alr.
im just very complicated. nobody can understand me.only those who have cried with me then will understand but not fully.i always feel neglected by family thats why i have friends i make sure they love me. although i dont get love at home at least i get some from friends.they are the ones that makes me smile always unlike home always full of vulgarities from mum and dad until cannot bear alr go out. they always think very low of me. they think that i can never succeed in life and stuffs. is that what a parent should say? haiss..horrible.

i have never moved on in life.
im still here waiting for you.

maybe because of me falling out of love i became what i am now.
i want to talk to a stranger. someone who dosen know me at all.
i want to turn back time when i was a lil girl.daddy girl mum call it. cos daddy used to love me very much.he would buy me all the things i have asked for.now? a shampoo also very difficult!
its very very rare now i received gifts from dad. maybe mum is the reason why..
am i difficult to talk to? =/

2009-05-12T11:56:00.004+08:00

me and baby are getting further apart.
i seriously dont mind at all cos he left me once. what makes him for not leaving me for the second time? its like aiyaa..forget it la..
but no matter what; your ring will be on my pinky finger.i will be waiting for you to come and get it if you want.
enough of baby alr. bored of talking over him..oh ya.he lied bout amin.he said amin saw the message rite? its not okayy..its him who showed him! asshole! my amin wont lie to me.

not long just came back school. i had my maths paper 2 just now. was tough mann..actually not so tough la its just that i have not enough time was late by 10 mins. if i were to come early also still the same.i never do questions that consists of 20 marks siaa..omg! .i need time management. so im left with like chemistry geography and food and nutrition.gawd!
and im free.....wee....
i need a job real soon. i need moneyy...ex boyfiee been calling me over..i dont wanna give him false hopes when my savings are like totally gone on ciggies and food..i do not know what to answer him when he asks for me mann..hee..im dead!

to my two most dearest friends BENJAMIN TAN ZHI JIAN AND ILANA THANAWONG CHOW MAYLENG.im so sorry that i could not afford to help out in your relationship. you cant force love.love comes mutually not forcefully. you should give it a break. take this time to think through what is good and bad for your relationship.
follow the right path..the decision is yours and also in your hands.

sunday im going out...guess where am i going?
mystery...let it remain a question mark first..
hahahahaah..cant wait mann..
im so in love with the song taking back my love mann by ciara and enrique...
god..enrique is soo handsome mann..okayy i know im being childish aite!
but its just fantasies..
great now mums shouting at me for smoking in the room..hee..
sometimes i cant simply obey mum but for papa...its always a yes!
i find that im stubborn at times

i missing someone badly right now..=(

2009-05-09T01:02:00.003+08:00

hmm..i donno where i should start?
there are sad ones and happy ones.
maybe i should start with the sads ones.aiyaa..combine la.
on thursday night went cycling with homies.that includes ben,alnin.syaqinah,yong rong and me!
the usual 5 of us.ate seafood for dinner their treat.got their pay mahh..serangoon garden hawker centre not chomp2.=( i prefer chomp2 food.nicer. then decided to find multi carparks to wash alnin bike cos he wanted to spray the next day.then went serangoon carpark.wahh very tiring siaa go up the steep slope! but was worth it cos the spectacular view was nice.it was empty though.camwhored for a while and went off..thenn...riding back to ave 8 saw baby at bustop.dint stop or wadevaa bcos was angry with him for not contacting me the whole day except for at night which was few mins before i saw him at bustop.ignored baby and went to 7 eleven to buy ben ciggies.then baby came running towards me.was shocked cos thought that baby was going somewhere. baby looks different then his usual self.i ignored.then was talking to baby bout baby lost his phone just after minutes baby called me.and i was like wtf.talking and talking suddenly i smelt a stench! something that i hate the fucking most and it came from his fucking breath.fucking pissed and asked did he do anything? baby dint answered and i ask him to blow his breath on me instead he kemam(tighten his lips together) and dint want to talk.i blew up and almost wanted to slap baby but i tahan i shouted at him instead and snatch his shirt and gold chain.and this occurs infront of 7 eleven mind you.fucking pissed.ask him why he did it? said was stressed. i was like wtf? and he took the stupid dumb fucking thing before his phone was lost okay.i was like saying to him that im here wad..anything u can confide in me why must take? its a confirm that when he high that time his partner must have taken it la.its so obvious! then he started scolding me vulgarities as if it was my fault! walked away as do not want to fight any further cos homies was there.dont want them to know my true colours.

andd now im feeling regret for shouting at you baby.
you know that i did it out of concern and anger.
baby ar.. you promised me siaa you wont take it anymore.
end up you take it again.not fair siaa..baby is never changing..
now im worried for you and miss you very much.
everytime i miss you i called ur phone to listen to your voicemail.
and yest i kept calling just to listen to your voicemail until it was fulled.
baby ar..im so sorry.forgive me can?
please...i do treasure us.my words yesterday dint mean a thing cos i was mad at you.
come back to me.without you i feel incomplete.
waiting for ur call is like waiting for me to get attached again siaa..
call me soon k baby??

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYDIA CHEE JIA HUI!!!!
LOVE YOU..

actually theres alot more of things i wanted to post about but lost interest cos thinking to hard boud baby already.haisss

2009-05-03T05:07:00.003+08:00

im fucking angry now!
wahh CB!
i did my coursework for like 4 hrs and POOF!
GONE SIAA...
bloody swine..i feel like throwing away my fucking com siaa..useless!
asshole!
lucky me i got all jotted down!
angry till i cry like fuck arh.till mum wke up and asked wad happened.
told her wad happened then end up blame me.fucking angry still add salt to injury..wahh fuck!
cocked up siaa..
knn..i really hate my life.
when i wanted that really sth it always turnout the other way..
cb!
omg!
im like so lagged behind already somemore my comm make it worsed!!
im stress siaa....omg!
whoever is willing to take my place for a day i would willingly give siaa..omg....
stress la sial...
n level u know...omg!!
its like its in the fucking morning now and here i am blogging bout this shit that just happened!
its worsed than shit i think.
angry.angry.aarrgghhhh!!!
syaitan! iblis! anak suar!
listening to some raihan songs now to cool me down..and breathe properly cos my whole shirt is full of mucus! cried like hell la fuck!
this really means alot to me siaa..
and its gone!just a blink of an eye!!
cool uhh??
stupid god damn fucking bitch computer.
pimps everywhere on the face due to not enough sleep mann!
i hate pimples mpre than anything else.
im hating mum now like fuck!and im seriously having depression.
mum caught me talking to myself for afew times already.
and im abit afraid of it cos i dont wanna be like last time.becos of stress become like this.
i banged my head on the wall also never realise.cool?
theres alot of my past that people dont know and im letting it out one by one..
i really dont want to be like last time cos its gonna hurt everybody to see the condition that im gonna be.

ok enough already.
i wanna have breakfast.
im hungry.
meeting homies at 7am.
donnoe they all can get up or not?
i really hope they can cos im fucking hungry.
been hitting on redbull since just now.haha.syaqinah taught me that.and it really works mann..thats why im still awake until now..i took two cans of it.and i actually really hate too sweet too sour too bitter or wadeva the taste is la cos i find it disgusting and i dont believe that i just swallowed two cans of very sweet drink!

2009-04-28T15:42:00.002+08:00

just had lunch and here i am still with school uniform and smoking in my bloody room which cozens me...huhu.
i love it when after a meal i smoke.it just feels nice.
hor smokers?
haha.
today was quite stressful.was mt paper mann.i dont think i did well.for paper 2 i did well.but for paper 1 sucks mann.my malay is basic malay like primary sch malay.reasons..i dont speak malay at home,i dont really have alot of malay friends even if i do i would talk to them in english except for some familiar ones.my malay was cocked up.during exam i had to turn to poy to ask syaqinah wad is ic in malay and lots more of words.and there goes my last stick of ciggarettes for the day i guess.gees..im bankrupt thanks to ciggy and food and food.oh gosh! gotta to cut down on food mann.just before lunch seen a few vidoes on youtube by the syncta.omg! its so funny that i kept on laughing and laughing.and yet im falling in love with a guy called jake.hes just so cool. but things are playing on my mind now wandering are they gays? lol.
read a lot of comments on them that they are hot gays.wtf?
fucking handsome la.hee..i have a fetish on caucasians guys..idk y..but as when one of them approached me i would be scared to death.hahah.weird huh?
today a bit of disspointment happened.but dont feel like saying it out bcos some one has been reading my blog recently.anddd it scares me.wanna noe who??its homies mann..
GAWD!
today got free shoutings from ben..wahh he shout damn loud till my ear drums can burst i tell you..but what i did was just shutt upp and ask him not to shout at me again.but he did again and i hacked care.
to gregory ho .im really sorry for what ive done to you.
i really am.its like commonla out of stress u tell me the things that i dont want to hear then i made the wrong move that will take you some time to realise or forgive me.i dont really care but i know my doing to you its never wrong.when i wanted to shake its not bcos of stress or anything its bcos of fun and addicted.when i really wanted the shake, WHY??BCOS.. the addictions of me ur all got see?how bad it was?how bad was my flu?how bad my rashes came up?bcos of u guys ive been taking things that i shouldnt take bcos i love you all and i know u treasure me as much as i do to the rest.once againn try to forgive me.cos i will feel very awkward when im with you.
i didnt mean what i did to you.its bcos of the love i have for you hurts me when u wanted such things out of anger.it hurts me to see u like tis.u know how much i cared for you and always i says that u r the best di.you are and will always be.

you made me dumbfounded when i saw the things u carried then made me walk away instead of staying.i faked a smile.you came in and knocked me boyy.love is just so painful.pain till really hurts deep till wanted to always hate you for life but i just couldnt bring myself to do it.

28 april 2009 marked the date that we have not been together for 2yrs and 4days.
we broke up just 3 days after our 1 yr anniversarry
did u even care?
did u even count?
did u bother ?
u dont and i did.all the pain is still safely kept in my heart for my ego and ur ego too..
u are also ego. over a stupid dumb woman and a bottle of an alchohol drink my hopes for you went to the drain.i did ask for an apology but u insisted that im still young and should enjoy life more.
cant we just enjoy it together?
whats past is past! we cant change it.and thats why theres the word called memories.i had good and bad ones with you.i will never be able to forget them.whenever im alone.its still fresh in my mind that you are always with me.even up to now sometimes when i talk to my friends bout you i would still call u boyfriend thenn slapped my mouth and continued the conversation.why do i do that? its bcos im still hoping that u will turn back to me one final day.when ure far away u missed me.when im near u dont.is that called love? i could easily just get into another relationship again but i know i cant when ure always still on my mind.fresh enough that i will always talk bout you.
i cant bear to be with another person just to forget you.i dont want that to happened thats why i chose not to be in a relationship.i missed ur hugs.i missed ur care for me.i missed ur pamper especially wen im having my period where you would stood the day by me just to take care of me.i reaally missed those.and the most is dancing with you in the rain after chingayy parade street dancing where u would run ur hands all over me and wouldnt let me go even for a second cos ure afraid that people would dance with me.hahahs.its still fresh boyy and here i am reminnicing it again.but now during my painful periods what do i get?
scoldings instead.=( from homies.
i want u back badly.='(
haisss....wish u were here just to give me a peck of kiss on my forehead when u normally do before we went our own ways.(home)

2009-04-24T23:31:00.003+08:00

im bored.
i really want to shake but homies are always disapproving of it.
i know its not good for me and etc but this is me.
you have to accept me no matter wad what.
today alnin say tat he has i was happy for a moment only before he took out the letters A,B,G
and tat stands for alnin,ben and gregory.i was like wtf??
and i said i never take la.i dont want take also and they continue saying tat u want or not and me always saying no.they always like to use violence on me never a time they use sweet words on me.
haiss if they were to do tat i would be over the moon...wee..but dream on. they will never do that.
today greg and ilana monthsary.i was really happy for them.hope they can make it through it with all their life.its nt simple but still possible.nothings impossible.
and omg!he bought it alr and im like dumbfounded for awhile and thinking wad to get him for his bdae.its like i planned le lei then he go buy.haiss...life is just so difficult!
tats is why i chose to be in my own world even it lasts for just a couple of hrs.the satisfaction is guranteed!
its been 3 mths now.i dont even bother taking his call or reply his msg cos i dont care nomore.
hope i make it throughout the year but i know i cant.
if i were to step in the club i know i would lose it.i wanna club real soon.. been ages since i spoil my ears with the loud music.hahas.

sa1 is just round the corner mann and im doing nothing; actually have.
revising very little and its never enough! i have like for science the whole book to revise and its like more than 16 chapters each.imagine all those formulas and stuffs.omg!
can go bonkers just by looking at them.

oh yaa..
my''bestfriend'' came after three full months and im happy it came but it was a pain in the ass.
i cant even do anything for two whole days.even on the second day.
i came back from sch and slept till the next morning.suangg arhh..felt the sore that i could not bear to even touch it.the cramps tat made homies got fed up of me.its true okay?im nt putting up an act! feeling much better now.

not forgetting.
alot of teachers had knew about my case and my suspension thing which made me angry.
i wish these news will not spread to mr roger khoo ears cause i dont want to made him worry bout me.cos he had enough of me when i was younger and whenever i would bump to him in school he would ask me if i was late or not and bo pian to tell him the truth but now most of it its not late and he would go on asking how were my studies and stuffs and etc.and i would just smile and walk away.cos i dont really like when teachers put high hopes on me ended up in the drain.
and actually now im feeling very useless cos i wanna get my suspension over and done with then only i will turn a new leaf.its like you know when are the dates but you havent get it done will feel very weird mahh.
was shocked when mr fernandez asked me also.
haiyaa..wads happening to me also idk.lack of love i think.hahas.

should i give up?
or
should i hang on?

2009-04-17T20:35:00.003+08:00

im happy today..idk why..just happy to know tat im happy.
oh crap!
not going to school for two days feels good and felt abit stupid at the same time.
thursday bcos got personal reason and today bcos plain lazy...
heard that only have 4 periods of lesson the rest entertainment!
boringgg but abit felt missed for missing the concert actually wanted to go but just lazy to wake up.
met homies in the morning for breakfast;greg and yongrong.eat alr slack at studycorner and talk boud porn early in the morning.in the morning alr talk boud porn obvously its not me laa its the boys!boys will be boys..
telling me how many porn they ve got and downloaded.i was like wtf??
then went back home at 930am then back to my bed and slept till 3pm..wahh suangg i tell youu..
=))
even i felt sth was missing i still pretend nth happened and move on with life!
i wonder when my judgement day will be cos my name is alr on the list yaww...
i aint afraid of anythng mann cos what i did is what she deserve even if its nt from me its gna be from the others.u really humilated me by telling the whole world.if i knew this would happened i would have given u worsed! so that my name wouldnt fall to the ground like ashes being blown away to the wind.asshole bitch!enough of you. no point talking over a spilled milk.its not worth it!
you are never going to be in my future anyway.stay away from me or else im not gna spare you at all.i dont care where you are from or what okayy..nobody tells me what to do!im old enough to think wads right and wrong for myself!

time checked-915pm
meeting homies at 10 plus..
super duper longg cos im fucking bored down here...
mums been bossing me around tiz few days..ask me do that la ask me do this la.
haiyerr..even go to shop arhh i really hate going to shop buying groceries..idk why..hehheheheh.
im worried for my coursework!im afraid i might not finish it in time.
saturday going out with girlfriends...wee......cant wait! cant wait!

i miss my bitch!

2009-04-13T23:53:00.003+08:00

i dont know whr to start but i know im gna blog today.
i should start with a good day then to a tiring day after lunch slept until tuition time.dint go tuition.skipped as per normal cos i hate mondays.i have mondays blues..so pardon me for being clumsy,late,nosey and etc la.
met homies.ben and alnin cut their hair to botak very nice to play i tell you.but too bad maybe today will be my first and last cos fight with ben and walked away.never ever in my life i walked away from my friends but today he made me to do it.reasons for making me walk away was,i really really cannt tahan when my loved ones shout at me infront of public take mummy and papa as example;the last time i went out with them was in my sec 1.i still remember i was choosing my hari raya clothes when suddenly papa shouted faster choose lah!damn fucking loud i tell you. i was god damn embarassed i tell you.i straight away ran away and cabbed home leaving him behind.then mum was she slapped me in the public for using the phone when walking with her that time.that part dint do anything cos i blanked out like suddenly for no reason slap me.xiao.then shout at me because she cannot find her stall.for ben case was she shouted at me because he vented his anger on me bcos of laureen.and its not his first but many times alr.
i really cannot take it until i walked away and once i walked away i would really wish i could walk away forever cos i really cannot take it eh ben not once lehh alot of times alr lehh and what i did ?kept quiet right? i your jie lehh nt your younger sister lehh show some respect can? always following ur emotions.people feeling got takecare anot arh?
when u always needed help i was there wasnt i?
idk which part im nt doing as a jie lehh..
what is it that u want from me?
im really confused! saying sorry wont make my heart heal.it will but it will take a long time.

picture taken at bintan lagoon
how i wish i was there..easing my mind with the sea breeze and the only sounds that i hear was the waves backwashing and swashing.

2009-04-12T00:58:00.002+08:00

for the first time i miss my homies.
felt very different without them around.used to meet everyday alr wad then suddenly nvr meet for 2 straight days like very weird for me la..
hahas.kept msgin ben tat i miss him and stuffs and he said monday meet lor.then i replied said okay with a sad face .then after a few mins he called and said wanna meet me. i was overjoyed lehh.ehehe...=)
i noe he cant see me suffer from nt seeing him..hahaha..idk la.just creating it up.lol
to rahim who loves me very much.i can sense ur love but u are too far for me.
i really miss u very much.i waited for you but the feeling for me towards you is nt like last time already.it has faded cos u made me waited for you for more than a yr..but im glad u cntact me at last.im truly sory my heart is filled for someone i love and i will be waiting even it will take a decade.im willing to wait for you..=)
love is blind!
todayy..
springed cleaning my room until my sis got a nice beating from me until she cries like a baby arhh..never ever my sis cries and dint fortell me for the first time.i feel so proud. give her too much face alr until all my temper rise out of control beat her till i out of control arh until my bro in the room came and stop. who ask her dontwant pick up her stuffs.one thing about me,when i clean the house make sure nothing is on the floor or else i will go bonkers.want to sweep the floor very difficult mahh holding a broom on one hand and the other hand want to pick up stuffs.for my sister case is she kept on asking me to wait while she eats her fucking breakfast like fuck!
and i have not even touch any food since i woke up hor.i straight away get up shout the fucking whole house asking people to wake up, to ask my mum cook,my sis to wash the socks which she dont want to do at all.my sister is simply so sucky ! everything also ppl must do for her like shes a fucking queen like fuck! she cannot auto everything also must ppl ask her do want! wonder how is she gna live when she has her own house maybe a rubbish dump will be good.i even told my mum that this june she dosen go to work im gna chase her out of the room.bcos she has never faced what is hard life and what is failing.so i want her to feel how others feel when they are in diff positions.i really hope that my beating to her did wake her up.nt alot but abit can alr la..shes like 15 and never ever done her own things before like ironing her own fucking clothes,washing her own bra,her school socks,picking up her stuffs and many many more i tell you.just try staying in my house for a day and u will noe how absurd can she be.
anyway im supposed to blog about myself ended up talking bout that blood sucker.what an ass..angry mahh..haiyoo..then at afternoon go down went to meet lychee and bf and darling to smoke without bathing hor with the sweat and stuffs.smelly i think slack awhile then go up to bath cos wanted to study.ended up as per normal dint lorr..haiss...slack with yuzhan and gang talk abit of rubbish todayy nt so muchh then went to meet an old friend.so cute la she.pregnant lehh 7 mths already..i simply love pregnant mothers idk why.maybe i find them very cute thats why..hehe..then met homies.

2009-04-05T02:49:00.006+08:00

im thinking of youu now and then boyy..
u stayed yesterday with me made my love for you grew stronger although i know its impossible between us.i simply just want ur love.tats all im asking for not much. just ur love thats the least i can ask for.dont ever judge me for the way i am.judge me for what i am. i guessed u still u dont know who is the real me but u know my strenghts and weaknesses which is weird.haa..

saturday for me turn out to be very boring alr. usually saturdays are fun but now i find it very boringgg.. supposed to go to work today suddenly students called up and say nt feeling well. i was like wtf?? this means my pay is going to be late again. im like fucking broke right now. no money le for the week.. wonder how am i gna survive?
then decide to study.study lan arhh..asking ben and greg to study is the same as asking a illiterate person to read.they dont want study arhh..i evn tell them tiz.if u r not doing tiz for me atleast study for ur gf's sake la..then came out their rubbish.greg was.my gf first from the top,me le? first from the bottom.and there i go hitting him nt to say such stuffs again cos i myself has been through wads retaining like? and it sucks okayy...everybody will treat us very differently.like kept on critisizing but for me i tahan until here i am in sec 4 taking my n levels tiz yr.unlike all my other frens gave up and cnnt tahan teachers nagging and critisism and ended up leaving sch with a sec2 leaving cert.and mostly now are jobless and working in F&B line.wasted rite? i dont want my friends to be ended up that way.if i still can push them i will try my best to push. ben part was.aiyaa..if i fail tiz yr.i want stop sch take private and i was like lan arh..no point taking private if ur heart is nt there.seriously no point taking private.the after much of talking and smoking ben and greg went to ahma place to have dinner.while me sat there and waited for ilana to come back cum reading my F&N notes.ca2 coming le.so fast.then slack awhile more then go home watch too fast too furious.funn..best!
then go down again slack.eat.smoke and smoke till coughing like fuck.change of taste todayy to menthol lehh.tats why cough. haa..
and here i am being a nite owl watching over my loved ones slping.. like reaaal.....hahahahaha.ilana forever hiding herself under her blanket.syaqinah forever tdo terngnga means open mouth when slp.ben forever scratching all over, alnin snore smoothly when slp.greg forever open his legs and slp.like reaaaal only arhh..ahhaaha. bored laaaa..going to be 330am nvr slp.siao arhh....hahah too bored le..
oh yaa...i hate past noww..i fucking hate it.as in 2-3 yrs ago.

2009-04-03T20:22:00.005+08:00

im happy today..
idk why..
well maybe 1 of it its a negative.
2nd i met him.
3rd i made a new friend
4th spend time with babyGirl
hahaha.
nonsense.
i know..
today ditch school bcos of babygirl.
and and want to know wads the reason i told mum?
dont laugh kayy...promised?=)
well this is how i lied..
tit,tit,tit, using house phone call my hp.
ring alr rite?
then i kup house house phone.pretend to ans hp.
then i was like really arh?
wad happened?
ohok.
thanks mr woo..
hahahaha
then my mum ask why and i knew she would asked haha tats why i planned like that.
then i said.today no need go school bcos bee attack and the sch has to be evacuated.
hahahahaha
i was laughing my ass off mann
in the room la.not at the living room.
then she was like panic.she asked who got stung and i said one teacher and 1 student.
then she kept talking while i slowly tuck myself in bed pulling my blanket up to go to sleep again.cool huh??
hahahaha
nice one mann..
woke up at 11 thanks to babygirl for waking me up by slapping my face.shiok arh her slap.
play2 with babygirl then bring her go meet ahmoo and gang.
then went bck home feed her then send her home.
met ahGreg buy ice milo my first consumation for the day.
im god damn hungry noww havent eat the whole day lehh..
then later some more still got go run..
dieting mann noww..
aminah too fat le..
hahas.
stress laa..exams coming mences haven come lehh
aiyaa..being a girl is so troublesome.why cant i just be a guy arhh??
a handsome one like him?
haha..waitt..he not handsome his eyes too small..
hahah.

i miss this guy up here mann..
hope i can really meet you soon..
miss yaa..*hugs

157 days down to
judgement day.
day of my hardwork to be paid off.
scared laaa

2009-03-26T00:43:00.002+08:00

todayy seriously im going bonkers.
stress siaa.
i think the numbers on the board is making me stress like hell ahh..
must inform someone le to erase the numbers of days off..
buay tahan uhh see until get so stressed upp like shit.
down to 165 days for today.
late to sch again.wahh..xiao liao..

get to noe tat beshtie start smoking again
wtf siaa..
omg!
i dont believe it siaa..
haiss..people change too fast.

met maziz who missed me.
LOL.
nice..

2009-03-24T23:00:00.003+08:00

countdown to N levels is 166 days away mann..stressful siaa..
haiss..so far what have i done is just revise abit,study abit,sleep,eat,smoke more and more.
omg!!
the numbers on the board is scaring me like shit!
seriously i think im nt even ready for it at all
im nt doing enuf to meet the criteria.and i find no encouragement from anyone yet mann.
parents has been telling me how difficult is life without studies which make me damn irritated its like its nt them who is sitting for the paper lorr..its me ehh..me!
ur all only want face!
i noe la im nt good enuf compared to ur cousins lorr..but im trying hard here.
its nt that i dont want its juz that i need to put in more effort than usual.
studying does nt need to be reminded now and then its from the heart.cos everybody wants sth in life! theres no one who is born to do nth.everybody wants to be recognised.
theres a number of things i want to achieve in life like getting a good job which pays me more than 2.8k.which i noe what is the right job for me in my situation.
2nd-my parents to be happy.nomore hard life.
3rd-a nice family , home , courier , generations
thats about it.nt much rite ?
i noee..thats basically wad everbody wnts in life.what is life when u have alot of money yet no happiness?
maybe boys can la for one night stands.
but could that last long?
no rite.
to my love-do takecare of urself kayy..u have been ill the past few days.

SCHOOL
WAHH..damn angry sia..
they forward of the bell rng time by 1 min 40 secs siaa..
made me damn angry i was walking lehhh...then the bell ring..
wahh kanina too much.
NG TIONG NAM! U ARE TOO MUCH!
DONT LET ME DO STH TO YOU HOR GAY!
WALK LIKE AN ASSHOLE!
DO YOU NOTICE NOT ARH??
its like my watch is chun chun sch time siaa..
and it has nt changed abit until my sixth yr in this fucking school thanks a million to the new principal.
time is precious!and thats wad everybody do not have!
get it??
i dont mind if u lackened the recess time and dismissal time, this u forward the time of sch bell lehh..
get scolding free2 siaa from teachers and especially mr fong who loves to pick on me.
come on la.ive changed!
cant ur all see??
what past is past can?
put the past behind us and start on a fresh new life.
im turning over a new leaf.

oh yaa....i wanna drink mannn...been a long time since i have a dead drunk feeling.
my girls please fixed a date okayy..??
love ya to the mars..i wanna shake2 laa..suppliers whr on earth have ur all been arh??
come to mummy plss..i need it yaww..
im gaining weight siaa..

2009-03-20T01:13:00.003+08:00

holidays are here and ending soon mann..
boring siaa..
hmm..
let me list all the places whr i went tiz holZ
went to zouk, u noe wad.i cnnt think.haha
but today went to mustafa with tan kwang zia alnin.
i was like so scared to walk lor..
idk y..since young im phobic to indian guys..
like when see girls they want to eat up like tat.for me laa..
hee..
then came bck hougang to eat dinner whole day dint eat as woke up at
6pm due to yest tonning at regentville condo.jasmine house.
ate my mee goreng alr then bakso came.i love meatballs..
while eating ahh..trouble came.throw like 4 or five meatballs away sia...
waste lehh...knn..haiss..feel like eating now...
ilana cool down kayy..
no point getting angry at that fucker who has always been hurting u now and then.
hes just nt worth ur love
to syaqinah no need angry over tat crazy guy la.
he in imh want then he come out.
haha.idk la.
i miss sch mann..
xiao aminah.when open want play2.when close want go.haiss..
tmr going breakfast mann..dunnoe can wake up ant?
haha

2009-03-05T23:20:00.002+08:00

aiya...thers nt a day by without stress arhh..boringg sial.
i cnnt pull through already.im very weak.im nt like last time la.
u c me play2 but u gt see nt i struggling for my studies?
u dont rite?
as i told ur all alr i will never show it to ur all only result slip only.
ur all still dont believe that im now intrested in my studies rite?
wad else must i do?
u noe tat i simply cnnt study at home unless theres no one arnd.
cause when i study i hate ppl to comment on me tiz la tat la.and i noe u love doing so until i close my book.and i hate it very very much!
i swear to god!
cos u kept hurting and hurting me again and again.maybe u dont realised tat im hurt bcos im always outside or i simply dont show it?
do u noe tat i always go out bcos i always wanted to prevents fights and misundastandings at home.u dont realised tat do you?
i noee..u just an ass who only cares boud u,urself and only urself.u are very selfish u noee..
i really wished tat u have read tiz siaa.i fucking hate blogging boud my parents siaa but i cant help it siaa..u are the only ones tat hurt me the most.i simply hate home !
ur all cnnt tell rite?
i noee bcos ur all never never undastands us.cb!u think ur laptop big arh?
u want c ant bcos of tat laptop we can be enemy.i fucking hate u siaa mummy.u never undastand me.u only how to make me cry only tats it.its been a long time since u saw me cry silently rite?
what did u did when u saw me crying silently last time?
u gave me rubbish! u dint even bother!really sad siaa..
i want cherry....i really want her...
i miss her like hell!!
what else can i say?
hai..all i noe is tat im very weak alr to fight but he will never be over cos u only see me as a hopeless girl who has no future ahead.
i want to talk to ms kc.been a long time since i talk to her.
lets see..the last time i talk to her one to one i cried for like 1 hr plus.
i also donnoe how she make me stop or maybe im tired i stop myself.
cocked up siaa..
im seriously behind time siaa got to catch upp aloooooottttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-04T00:06:00.003+08:00

things at home have been much better.=)
and im nt so stressed alr.
i should have believed wad ilana said which is bad luck comes before good luck which is kinda true.
cos im nt sure how long is this nice thingy gonna last .
todayy was boringgg laa nt like last time so happening. which i was like last time.paikia ehh..
hahaha..=D

I LOVE YOU DARLING.
I WANNA SPENT A NIGHT WITH YOU SO BADLY.
SO BADLY THAT I CAN DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.
sory if i upload ur songs late i no like update things to my phone very ma fan.haa..
my one and only teddy bear.i miss ur hugs
give me one soon okehh..???=)

rite now im worried for azlynn laa..
dont know whr she go.nvr return home and stuffs. xiao arhh
this kind of ppl also have.stressed over ex bf tat left her just like a blink of an eye.like knn.
wahh super asshole..

i wanna be in a relationship again.i forgot all those feelings tat ive had when im in a relationship.i miss them lots.i really do..
im in love with a teacher in my sch mann....
hows tat?
cool?
i aslo think so.
hahaahaha
hope he dont find out suaa...=DDDDDD..
and the thing is.hes nt famous means hes nt adored by alot of ppl i guess.
hee..its just a crush laa..idk la.my feeling weird2 lehh..growing mahh...tats y..
nonsesnse arh aminah tiz few days.
tmr confirm sian.
f&n for 3 periods ehh..wahhh die confirm die..

2009-02-26T00:51:00.002+08:00

mummy daddy,u really have been hurting me too much alr.
i really cnnt tahan.
please stop!
thanks to you guys that im suffering from depression.
dont push me alr.i cannot take ot alr.stop comparing wuth the others.
ive been crying alot lately and its too much!
i dont want cry alr.it really hurts like only god knows.
i dont undastand y u are doing this even im crying now.
why ahh?
wad i do?
i dont undastand y u hate me so much?
wahh u really treat me like a stranger leh today,u dont allow me eat and all that.
im ur daughter lehh nt not step daughter lehh.
im listening to the song sudirman ayah dan ibu.
but do you fit to be my parents ant?
i know la bcos of you i get to c the moon and the sun but u are treating me like a dog!
i swear i nvr have felt so small b4.i feel like an ant that can be step or crush anytime.
i buay tahan i swear.
u made me cry now and then thinking of today wad u did to me and ur words really hurt me deep laaa.
sakit laaaaaaaa.sakit laaa please la stop laa.
i seem like a beggar today going arnd to ask money from ppl just t0 fill my stomach.
but thanks boi for lending me money just tof ill my stomach.i appreciate it.
i really dont undastand my parents wad do they get by hurting me,not letting me eat and all
just where i went wrong?
im still wondering y u cnt be like all the other parents who treat their children good.i wanna be someone else.
i dont want to be myself.i hatemyself.i hate saying tiz but its the fact.im just ugly!!!!
damn stressed siaa...im nt lying.i need someone to talk to!!!!!
omg!='''''''(((((((((

2009-02-23T01:06:00.002+08:00

how am i supposed t be a filial daughter when u kept shouting at me day and night.
it really hurt my fucking ears .can u just give me a fucking break from ur shoutings,scoldings,ur hurtful words that me feel so dumb.
well today i did speak up didnt i? and i hope it really hurt u deep enough to think through wad u've done to me all tiz while.
not knowing tat u have cut me a million pieces of slices in my heart .
and today i speak my lungs out till u kept quiet dint u.
and tiz is wad i said to make u shut up ''when u grow old dont ever come knocking on my door asking me to help you,and when im officially 21 dont ever bother asking about me again cos im nvr coming bck to tiz fucking house again.im gonna rent a house and sit all by myself.and you cant fucking do anything cos im 21!
do wad ever you want and i will nvr come back only when its time for me to get married then i will send u an invitation card''.
hw?does tat hurt u huh asshole!
and i even said im just sitting here on this current house im staying malay say tompang je.
bukan duduk.means sit.when its the right time for me to go out i will go out and will never stay on staying here.
i sometimes feel that i wanted to stay in hostel the one cecilia is in.i wonder wad has she done until shes there.i wanted to find out so that i can get caught and stay there.no need to see ur fucking faces anymore.even if they give me home leave also i dont want go back and see ur all.
then u will know how is life without me?
i really feel like running away from home siaa..cant stand all this nonsense alr.im 18 leh mummy not primary kid okeh?
cant u see that ive changed for the better?
u cant see it right?
from last time till now i still find last time is worse.not coming back for a week and all.
im in the teenage years can?
let me grow up to be a normal person can?
let me go through the stuff ive never been through can?
='(
u simply dont see the changes ive made.
all my friends also u got boundaries.
all i do also got wrong.
what is right for me in your eyes arh?
treat me like a piece of dumbshit!
i find that u are very calculative.
you hate me because im not like ur other children.
im trying to cope up with the other children behaviour of yours but i cant.they are in their own world.tats y i cant interact with them.
ben even say u and ur brother close arh?
i just feel like haaacckk puuiiii!!
whr got close all tat are just a piece of fucking drama.
im my house its all drama.
i noe u dont love me but cant u pretend tat u love me and i will feel at ease once?
but i will try my best to prove u wrg while im still alive.
i will mean all those words ive said and will never turn back!
u really hurt me deep tis time i swear!
no one noes tat ive been tolerating ur nonsense for 8 years now.i still remember the first vulgarity u use on me when i was 10.the number is 10 mum.
i remembered!wad bout you?
somemore want to blame me y i scold vulgarities?
i learnt it from you!
yes you!
and im blaming you for tat!
and for you dad u say u go in and out of mosque then scold vulgarities,hit me with ur heart contents then wads the point of being good to people but not to your daughter?
ur own flesh and blood!
i really dont know wad to say alr boud ur all.all i wanted is just to fly!
fly,fly,fly,fly.fly
FLY aminah!

2009-02-08T23:20:00.002+08:00

some people just dont realise how r we connected to them.they simply ignore us, tease us make us feel uncomfortable towards them.but they just dont see it.ask u once u tell me ask the other party when i want to ask you.third party came in you told her dint you.tats y i walked away and im walking away from you.i do not wish to talk to you and see you.i wonder wat u treat me as?
and im still wondering after all those heartaches u gave me and u apologized and i accepted then make me angry again then repeat agin.what exactly u want from me arh?
asshole!no point doing the same thing if u are forced cos im angry or wad.no point pushing yourself sth u dont want to la.does ciggarettes and money make friendship?
i hope not la hor.but to some yes is their answer.theres like not once u treat me like ur own UNLESS u r alone with me cos u noe y? i noe bcos u gt no one else to turn to.but u noe wad i dont care but still listen you talking over some useless ass bitch!but infront of ppl wad u did?
embarrassed me with ur words which i have been tolerating all this while.maybe u dont know who i am really is rite.and tell you wad.nobody knew wad im really like.my sensitiveness,my like and dislikes,my hates my loves..etc.thats y there is a phrase of for me to know for you to find out.but do you like bother to find out?
no rite cos i noe.no point with the long years of friendship if u still dont undastand me rite.
no point crying over a spilled milk but its like u would even cry for someone u knew for like less then 4 years.me lehh?
would you cry for me and i think its a NO cos u treat me like a piece of dumbshit!
u simply dont treasure me at all.and i cant still find the reason y.
maybe i noe bcos my skin colour,my size and im nt beautiful like all ur other friends look like.and maybe i have a very low self esteem.sometimes it really hurt me deep tat u can cry for others but not me.
me and azlyn are better but still its not my fault.i told her bf alr.and bf just said okehhhh another pain in the ass.
haishh.
im nt used to topaz nt in sch la. but theres a replacement called jay.but i dont talk to him like how i talk to topaz .i miss topaz la.i miss topaz pushing me,slapping me on my hand,saying tat i need to lose weight and most of all talking boud sex!
lol.haishh hope hes making a right decision la hor.
what else shud i say arhh..hmm..it really ease my hearts mann..pheww...the picture on top doesnt suit the emotions im talking aboud lorr and i feel much better now after penting them now.i need to lose weight!

2009-01-29T00:01:00.002+08:00

i miss nisha!
butt i miss my daughter more la...
aiyoo..
wonder if she misses me?
haha
i wonder does she noe the meaning of miss ant?
ghee..
dumb quest!
saw tiz lil cute lil birdy bird.decided to carry it and amazing part it doesnt wants to let go of me,intresting part-fucking cute and fucking noisy.
i swear.lol
but its super cute.
got pic but lazy upload.haa
the bird totally entertain me the whole day.
chirping and asking it to shutt upp was really such a waste of breath!
thenn came along the parents.the parents super skinny lorr..
and the child so cute and fatt.
fatt ass i called it until dont want to fly off from my finger even the parents arnd lehh.
haha
decided to let it off .before letting me off give me souveneir arh.
guess wad?
shit arh!
nice hor!
i noe and im tryin to love it!
thanks birdy.=)
so tried my luck today to buy 4D but dint tiok.
wad a waste.
thought kena shit got blessing skali...aiyaa..
hard to say laa..
thenn hor lied to mum lehh say go tuition but in the end dint.haha
slack with kin and ilana .tell them boud my fucking experiences until felt nauseous.
haa..
till then loves;

2009-01-19T21:24:00.002+08:00

sch as usual.
pain in the ass
afternoon group study went well until early evening.
wad shud i say..hmm..FUCK!
tats the word!
decided to prank a friend of mine then prank alr.
wahh..si beh song..
all old stories which i dont undastand all come out.thanks alot ah eh.
pukimak kau ah eh sial sume tolak kat aku be aku jadi sasaran.
made an agreement with myself today that i will nt bother boud anyone anymore as said by ilana i love shouting and etc.bud noe wad?,from today onwards there will be no more shouting,no more advice,no more scoldings,juz nth la.
that way is the best la hor..keep quiet and juz do my fucking stuffs alone.
anyway i did all that bcos i simply want the bestest for everyone and i did it for no fcuking reason.ok maybe im abit too loud at times.but heyy!!
u shud noe my family background wad. its all the shouting kind.
so wad am i supposed to be? soft?
asshole!
7-8 pages of msg repeating about the past come on la its all grudges.
SIMPLY GRUDGES!
mother fucker u dont like me the way i am say la.
keep keep until sth happened then spill everything out.
fucking heart pain.
so ppl if u notice that im change tis is the reason why..
show care to others but take it forgranted.
i learnt it mann..
thanks alot.
im no more gonna be the person with laughs and laughs.
im juz gonnna smile
u cn do wadever u guys want to do.i dont care anymore!
i admit!i dont fucking care so i shall not hear tat she like to do like that one she like to do like this;
im weak at friendships cos i know there is why i know myself for wad i am now
friendships do come and go but 4 me that doesnt mean a thing to me until today.you want to go you go. im fine with it but im juz gna miss you tats all.
thanks azlynn 4 making me like this.dont worry i will not blame you for wad has happened i will jus accept it as a bad dream.
remember nothing will ever come out from me now onwards.
im just going to be a loner like abdullah said.
a loner who going to be changed for her entire life
thanks abdullah for creating such a nice word for me.
i appreciate it.
im just fucking pissed off..
i need time alone to think
tink of wads gonna become of me in the near future when im changed!
ive never made any harsh decision in my life before, until today came along.

2009-01-15T23:02:00.002+08:00

hello..
i think im like gonna blog for once a month as im always busy and etc.
well sch reopen now and i swear it SUCK!
its like wtf siaa?
aiyo..
all i can say now is that i dont really like the surroundings arnd me.
it SUCK too.
oh god.
when will they ever change?
sec 4 is tough man.especially maths.
i rather die then understanding maths
my love LIFE sux la.
drifting away each day..
no more chance liao lor..
suan ler suan ler bahh..
and todayy..
someone made me angry by saying ehh aminah y u sit alone?
loner arh?
fucking angry when ppl call me loner.
i hate it very much.
nice rite abdullah the punch i gave him was fucking hard till his eyes got tears.
when topaz calmed me i felt relax abit.
sit alone called loner mehh?
asshole.like no better things to do.
one more pain in the ass was looking at my english and cme teacher call mr WOO WAI SENG ROGER.
another asshole nothing better to do besides nosing arnd.
wad we do,whr we go,wad are we eating all those stupid holes questions which have a proper answer.he with his BOTAK HAIR AND FUGLY SPECS.
thats how ppl reminds of him
assholes.pain in the ass..
its been 2 and half months liao lor..
quick come la..
i buay tahan alr.
do it upside down man.i wanna feel it.
lol.=D

2008-12-25T02:06:00.002+08:00

times flies very fast and its christmas already..
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE...
whenever i blog theres always a reason why..
well one of it its bcos i cant find anyone suitable to tell and i must let it out of my heart!
cos the more longer the more i keep the more i will feel very idk to explain la.
omg!
im going crazy now la.im listening traffic now and i swear my headphones bass are the best man!!!!
oooooo00000000.....i l0ovvee itt!!!
haha.k back to blogging!
what im trying to say is that i wanna let my feelings out and not be kept inside.
im trying to forget him totally but the surroundings is not allowing me to.me bumping to him all the time . haiz...
i want the old times back la.when we were frens
i miss it very much!
aiyoo..
sometimes thinking back..i should not have fallen in love with him but nobody can force love mann..it just happens.i hate myself sometimes la.always falling into the wrg love.
BORINGG SIAA..
todayy
woke up at 12 for some1 suddenly tat some1 hor dint wake up and our plan raked upp!
asshole!
if not ar..confirm i abit happy lorr..
haha..
intresting part !
xchange of xmas gifts with lydia and ilana.
super cute lorr..
haha.
yeahh!!
then met ben ate dinner.
bla bla bla BLA BLA bla.....
lazy update!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2008-12-21T17:15:00.009+08:00

ok this explains the garuda.means their symbolity of their country

this is a lil cute boy name sukbir.hes diagnosed with dno wad syndrome.pity him..

this is our gigantic pool.omg! its so bigg

thats our rooms.damn nice by the sea.

art!

waves-swash.haha geography

me.happy!

cute!

walking and thinking of you

acting

snapshot!

sexy mama!

painting in our hotel room

buffet..my favourite.

sea

nothing

nice view

clubbing.cool!diff from singapore

nightlife!

dinner!!

going swim

action

action2

our beds

action3

action4

so thats roughly about the short trip that i went for holiday and it was at bintan.

and im shocked that i havent blog for 1 month 21 days..cool huh??

heee...

2008-11-30T01:15:00.002+08:00

im really in love...
oh god the feeling when he pat his hands on my face,hugged me and lie his chin on my head make me had a sleepless night!
and i really mean it okehh..
om my gosh im so bloody in love with this guy laa..
only god and some of my frens knew about my feelings la.
heee....
=)))))
todaayy..
WORK!
ok i swear it sUCK!
i hate working in a crowded enviroment and noisy somemore with ppl shouting with bell ringings..oh godd..
juz feel like quitting lorr..but...becos of $$$ i stayed..hee..
and im left with 1 nite b4 i leaves my loves one behind.
the ppl as follows.
-ilana darlinngg
-shakina
-boiboi2
-lydia
-*him*
-ben
-yong rong
-alnin
-baby anne
-lynn
-and many many more...
thats all for todayy..
love u all mann...
mwah mwah
i really hope i go and return safely la horr..
hee..

am i in love or is it juz a crush?

2008-11-26T05:54:00.001+08:00

idk how to tell you how much i love you as the day passes by.

my love towards you is growing stronger nad stonger day by day.

my love towards you is very different; its been a long time since i had tiz feeling as i have keep to myself and its difficult for me to hold it.

i juz wanted u to know how much i love you and my feelings towards you which i noe its impossible when theres a saying anythng is possible.

i have always think of our relationship base on tis song 'crush' by david archuleta.

its really true.

''has it ever crossed ur mind;

when we are hangin,spending time boy,are we just friends?

is there more? is there more?''

i nearly expressed my feelings towards you today due to the depressing moments when im left alone with my phone

i really need you boy by my side.

whenever i hear tat u were with some others girls;i would get very worked up and ask a million questions who siaa??! what she want ??!.etc,etc...

when im nth to you.but..its juz my love towards you juz making me crazy day by day,

pls boy.

make me forget you for good.

i still rmbr the day when u confided in me.u pad my head.held my hand and ask me y am is o stressed and learnt a new word called ' hen sing ku ' from you

i fed you. and got angry and worked up for nt letting me know tat u r leaving.

how do i forget you when you r in my heart.

nt seeing u a day juz doesnt completes my day. ='(

no matter all the laughter i had it just dint completes my day cos i need u there by my side.

watching me laugh talkin to me.

making me laugh like a mad woman.

i want all those days bck!

pls i really need you by my side.

y cant u tell that i love you huh?

u blind?

or are you juz ignoring me cos u noe its impossible between us.

tell me boy.

TELL ME!!

i need to noe from ur mouth!

''why do i keep running away from the truth?

all i ever think is about you

you got me hypnotized, so mesmerized

and ive just got to know''

omg!!

pls help!

haishh..

the world is just being very bad to me. =(

I HATE MY ELDER BROTHER !!

2008-11-18T05:36:00.000+08:00

it has been like a long time since i got angry with my own family for a very long time la.
and my angry is like really annggrryy okehh..
wahHH fuckK sia..
its like i went out at 1 plus in the morning juz now and came bck at 4 la.
and its like whenever he came bck before us he would be mean to lock the door up purposely wan..
because he noe we dont have the door keyy and that leads to my parents opening the door up for us.and us is me and lil sis.
so when we came bck as per normal he locked the door.and my father open it. and there goes my fucking bro came and knock my lil sis head for accompanying where ever i go.its like WTF??
k that part i alr like angry wonder y must he do such a thing as he dont dare to do me as he know i will fight bck want..
asshole!
that one nvm .
then he started saying that this uncle was telling my bro bout me.
fucckingg uncle uncle chao cheebye!!
mouth cnnt shutt upp kannina fucking busybody!!
he said that i was packing cig like a guy la,nt sweet for a girl to smoke dwnstairs la.and somemore wad fuck laa hor.
coincidence that day when the FUCKINGG BUSYBODY UNCLE was there which was at the kopitiam where i was also with ilana,boi2,ben,greggory,and alnin was there to like have some drinks laa..normal wadd..then out of blue saw hang kang with the bike.and the bike is super stupidd lorr..its a pocket bike and nt forgetting ah huang and company was also there.its like we were laughin all the wayy when ah huang was makin jokes boud the pocket bike and dint know that someone is eyeing on us so closely..
anyway wads wrg with smoking?
this parents all simply do nt want their children to smoke especially the daughters as they dont want to lose face.right mummy??
i wish i could juz tell my mum that im a smoker and thats it!
just accept the fact that ur daughter is smoking laa..
until when i want to hide also i dunno..
its so obvious im a smoker.haishhh..
fuckingg angry lehh...u noee ant??
arrrgghhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!
im a smoker mummy im a smoker mummy im a smoker mummy
YES! IM A SMOKER !!
ANY PROBLEMS??
CAN U ACCEPT THAT UR DAUGHTER IS A SMOKER???!!
ASSHOLE!!

2008-11-11T00:13:00.000+08:00

well..what am i supposed to say..
hmm..
well im actually feeling dwn now.
wondering y ppl always have wicked minds..
u noe when someone noes that u r lying and when the person ask u if u r lying or nt and u answer is no.isnt that awkward??! haishh..how shall i put this?
i simply hate the human world la..
if there are no rumours there will be gossips.if there are no laughter there will be sadness.
haishh..world..world..
why is it being unfair to me?
where have i gone wrg?
what have i done wrg?
i dont deserve the punishment that u r giving me.
they are more bad ppl out there y of all must it be me??

todayy..
woke up at 330.
cnt sleep for the whole night thanks to one fcuking guy!
i meant good u meant bad!
whose fault?
ur fault asshole!
slept at 6+ going 7 arhh..
thanks alot arh ehh..

ฉัน ความรังเกียจ ไอ้หนู

then at 430 met darlinngg ilanaa..
hee..
then...
decided to call my EX!
OMG!!
i really miss him like hell lorr..
i heard his voice and melted...
and he is perth aite!
wish i could turn back time and nvr be an ass to my bf..
haa..
then at 7+ ben and gang came dwn..
make me like damn irritated la..
haiyyoo
feel like killing them..
then..
at 10 sharp!
sister suprised me with western food my favorite mann...
haha
damn full lorr..
and noww..
meetingg ilanaa again.
ghee..

2008-11-03T15:09:00.002+08:00

me acting well when im nt!
haha.
k im bored aite.
its been 6 days with my chicken pox and six days of nt eating at all..
believe?
haha
its true mann.
i cant eat or i will be scratching like a monkey !
quarantine at home is so sucky okehh...
wonder how long more should i go through this bad luck ?
haishh..
and guess wad...
I NEED A JOB !!!
AND I NEED IT BADLY OKEHH...
omg...
cn go crazy...
no casH means no eating expensive food which i loveee and cnnt let go andddd obviously no ShOpPInG !
arrghh..
someone please if u drop by to read tiz and u have a job please do let me know okehh...=))
till thenn..
l0ts of l0vee..

2008-10-24T19:28:00.002+08:00

HOLLA....
im bck!
bet all my girlfriends and boyfriends out there miss me huh?
or mayb nt.?
heee...
juz wanna tell you guys that......
i've been PROMOTED mann...
yeaaa....
and that means more stress for me okehh...
its 'N' levels mannn!!!
got to sc0re like 19 pt for 5 SUBJECTS mind u people; its for sure im so gna get tuition without it im sure gonna flung it out!
oh god! i feel so stressed althought its a year away but pejam celik,pejam celik da satu year.juz like this yr i still rmbr that i blog during my first days of school.and now..its the last day of school..cool huh?
hee..

2008-08-10T15:40:00.002+08:00

hello..
its like the the 10th of August!
and its WAN HAFEEZA BIRTHDAY!!
shes like 22 yrs old tiz yr.
oh god!
after 12 months ++ i have nvr held her hand until today.
oh god! the word misses do really exist!
i miss her like only god noes laa..
was supposed to work today but was raining;so went bck home.
bought for her a cake which was titled fairlady and coincidence the baju tat i bought for her is also fairlady.hahakz.
then plans for later was to go changi and celebrate....
weeeeee.....
but but mum's being an asshole in the house. kept on ruling me arnd and telling wad to do or nt to do! arrghhh!!!!
always the spoiler...!!!
never the supporter!!

bye tats all..

2008-07-22T22:14:00.009+08:00

hello..

it has been like a week since i blog.

so i would juz briefly tell u about wad has happen on 21st July 2008. =)

me and saifullah

me and nurul

me and sani

me and kin

1 family

hadhinah,me and atiqah

the three of us

i guess thats all for today.im lazy to update actually as im very sleepy and tired. =)

2008-07-16T22:08:00.003+08:00

today?

as usual school.nth really happen except for mr chin's lesson .he has a very bad headache.and he was like half an hr late and there i go shouting and asking where did he go as he was nvr late for lessons.as he step in he was like a drunkard.for me he was like having two visions.but then idk laa..juz assuming.then he stood up to greet the class and said ok class today do ur own work as long as no poker cards, no chess, no electronic items with a very soft voice and sat down.there i goes as he sat down all my questions and suggestions came out.and he was like yes i did, yes i have,ok i know and last but not least that make me shut up was he said ok enough aminah i need a rest now and i was like ok sure.paisehh u noe..aiyaa..wad to do my mouth cnnt shut up wadd..im always like tiz laa..
before long rang bell and i was like again do you want me to escort u to the staff room?
and he said no thanks. i was like the only one who cares wherelse the rest dont laa..but im abit too much i guess..hehe.
and today syaqinah binte shakirin TK DTG!!
arghh...
then after that go home.
rest.
then at 6+ koko called and said wna meet upp.i say ok lor..my ko is Lee Yong Rong.haha
then we like gf bf lor.. but then nt laa..we talk we laugh we do stupid stuff.haha.
and we even talk about our 'DREAMS..'as we stare at the moon.the moon damn nice siaa today.
its kinda fun laa..as he said that when i get married which i nvr will; he will escort me throughout the whole journey.funny right.its like our friendship has been like for 9 yrs now.long hor..?
hehe.its like fun laa with him and whenever im with him i feel like so free of stress..

and tiz is me n him. =)

2008-07-04T00:21:00.000+08:00

hellos. =)
after a stressful day at sch with like 7 periods of no teacher! first 2 was like PE.no PE as gt some stupid hong kong ppl coming to our sch.so must like be quai la horr..then it was 3 periods of POA.Mr Ang also nvr come duuno y..then it was recess..so tats half of the day gone.after recess we had 2 periods of ENG.teacher was excuse as gt some stupid oral to attend to.then lucky gt maths which was 2 periods.and 1 period of geography.lucky arh got some lessons if nt become more stupid siaa..haha

OK BORINGG!!

then come bck home.eat and sleeep.damn tired of no lessons at sch la..waste my bloody time.
at 730pm sharp gt slap from brother siaa for no apparent reason.and i was like blur2 rubbing my cheeks.and there he is laughing away and asking 'sakit tk?' 'kuat tk?' and there i goes #@$%^*%. then mr gangster came in.my father laa.lols. ask wad happen with his sarong and songkok i think just finish praying maghrib i guess.and i told him la tat my bro slapp me with no apparent reason then dno wad he say my bro went out of the room making stupid faces like tiz =p.like shit! 20 yrs like 20 mths. no brains. haiyaa..wonder y tiz kind of ppl also have..NONSENSE!! then woke up and get ready go naji at 8. then bla3....

WHY I POST THAT PICTURE?
BECAUSE I MISS MY LONG HAIR!!!!=(
and of course i look preety laa with syaqinah my friend for almost 5yrs now.hope we keep it goin yeaa?? haha . kla.wna sleep tired.yawnn..

2008-06-28T14:11:00.000+08:00

it has been the returning of school.and has been 1 week now.everyting seems to go smoothly except for a few stuffs.
me changing the combination subject like begging for money siaa..tat fcuker maria lim like chibai siaaa..say alot of cock!
kept meeting her after sch but still no answers.like fCuk.damn angry siaa..if cannot say cannot laa..nabe chibaii..don have to make ppl wait wadd..aiyaaa..its like im in POA OKEHH..nt in like DnT or smth.dropping POA to FnN is like fcuking diff laa..they dig out my past laa..check my last time results laa..and i was like saying tat those are LAST TIME! tkya nk ungkit pe...nabe chibaii!!

things at home have nt been smooth either.thanks to mother fcuking YOUNGER sister i have!!
younger sister like an older sister siaa..sape boleh ang siaa..??ikotkn hati cm nk bunoh saje sakk!!benn ruling me arnd the house siaa..
LIKE FCUK!
because of her have to mengalah.everything also even my pillow!
for those who are the last child, do treasure ur elders and nvr take advantage!
aiyerr..

till then;
28 june 2008
2:10pm

2008-06-11T23:52:00.000+08:00

its the second week of the holiday and im getting really bored.i never really enjoy it tat much as i nvr really do well for my examinations nt wad i expected laa..its like if i were to do well then i wil have a good,nice holiday.its like when i want to do sth fun i would ask do i really deserve tiz? and when i cant push it like sleeping at mamiiis places.i would juz like layankn aje.. haish. boring uh at singapore.dad planned to go bandung dno jadi ant laa coz dad says tat $140 is equivalent to 1 million rupees of course.haha.so its cheap.tu pon nt sure.haiyoyo..BORING!!
And right now i'm listening to jiwangs and of course rembering "our past".haish..wish we could be together again for the last time.looking at all the receipts where all the places we have went.all the excitements and enjoyments we had.and POOF! all GONE directly to the thin air..and all because of my egoness.damn! i hate my egoness.baby,if ure reading tiz,im really really sorry for what has happen.although a few days bck u logged in my msn acct and said tat i had a replacement? and got angry for no apparent reason.but why? do yu still love me?and no i will nvr have a replacement as my whole heart only has you and no one else.furthermore we broke up due to my stubborness..im sorry baby.i really am.=(.there has nt been a day i have not thought about you.if we cn make it up someday i would promise i will not repeat my mistakes again.i promise. i have not stop counting the days since we last broke off.total up its going to be 1yr 2mths and 22 days.although its long or u have forgotten bout me i will still be counting till my last breath.i love you boy.=)im ending it here. till then..
GOOD NIGHT MY LOVE

2008-06-04T00:24:00.000+08:00

BabyGirl Adriana

schools days;
me and bestbud

school holidays are here and i will be bored to death.
uploaded a few pics as i am at buddy house.
wish could take a breather during the holidays.
i want to go to KL.
tats wad i planned.
but plan dont seem on goin well.
haish.
wna go shopping and get my stuff.
lazy to update.

GOOD NIGHT!

2008-06-04T00:20:00.000+08:00

just after tanning

2008-05-13T01:29:00.000+08:00

its like 133 am now and im bloggin.
feelin bored actually..
felt fed up with com as could nt use internet and stuff..
arrgh!!
met babygirl after a month.
OMG!!
miss her like crazy laa sehh..
how i gt to noe? it goes like tiz..
was online on msn.
wanny said tat gt gud news.
then she refused to say..
then force her and told a lie tat she pass her mt.
b4 tat i told her tat if she pass her examinations i will take her out to eat.
then gt a very strong feeling tat bb's at hougang.
by luck fad told me tat bb at hougang on msn.
i was like so excited tat i shouted till my mum came thought tat we had an electric shock or sth.
haha.sorry mum.
without wastin time went out and met bb girl.
A D R I A N A tats her name.
called her anne. wish could post her pic laa..
haish..=/
too excited over bb tat forgot bout mother drink.
forgot to give her..
im sorry..over excited over bb appearance.
and today is mum b'day..
she turnin 45 today!
omg tats old..
haha.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELOVED MUM ! ! !
LOVE U TO THE MARS
*MUACKZ*

love and misses to nurazlynn who's away for work.

2008-04-14T23:40:00.000+08:00

LIFE ! !

WELL LIFE...
life for me is very difficult as i have to do everything on my own.and simply everything!i noe tat life is full of ups and downs.but everything has been down since the year started! went to court for the first time; and was fine a sum of nt exceeding $600 bucks. none of my parents wanted to help me!.cant blame dad as dad dint know.if he were to know also he would do sth i hate! and would nt help me instead but would rub salt to the injury. i myself dont undastand wad kind of parents i have! hate them alot!!
just had a tiff with them.haish..feel like running away...far far away from everything!! no stress...no exams..no scoldings..no naggings..and mayb no life..
so sadd for havin my parents who r nt supportive at all.. i am good as dead to them!!

=(

2008-01-22T18:18:00.000+08:00

today had a miserable day..
at sch was so stressed!!
its like im sort of new to tiz level..
and theres quite a few extra subjects laa..
i was in physics lab havin my lesson..
it was like for two periods..
and im there like one crazy gerl!
its like i dont understand a thing!
its like im sittin rite at the bck..and i cant hear a thing or see..
as teacher was usin visualizer..
im so angry and stressed up tat i hold my tears.
as when im stressed i tend to cry..
tat relieves me..
i do nt want to cry in class because ppl might ask y and stuff..
so i hold it till the end of 2nd period
as i stepped out of the class..tears automatically roll dwn like hell..
its non stopp..
i was under pressure..
real bad pressure..
as i reached class it started to soothes down..
i start to feel calm..
teacher was absent for chem..
so i went to kin class to relaxx myself..
bud i cried again..
as i was tinkin too much..
well..i cried becos im afraid tat im gna retain again..
i do nt want tat to happen again..
i had enough..
i feel so remorsed..
i wna succeed in life..
i wna be somebody..
i dont wna lead a empty life..
i have big ambitions..
after sch..
went to slack with nurul kin beshtie and her bf..nt forgettin iffan..
wanted to go for threadin bud was closed dwn..
then went to eat lunch together at zilan..
while eatin beshtie told me tat my admirer was engaged!
kin added tat he lost his memory .due to accident!
i was like WTF????
and there i was eatin my hands started shakin..
i dont believe it mann..
hes like 1 or 2 yr older than me..
its like i have seen him juz a couple days ago..
he look fine..
its like i shud smiled at him ..
and there my stressed was added!
i felt so cocked upp!!
haish..
donnoe how to express my feelins alr laa..
haish..
wad a day!!
=(

2008-01-16T20:45:00.000+08:00

juz finish my stupid malay composition..
which im nvr good at..
i sucks badly at it laa..
so asked for mum help instead..
i hate malay subject..
idk y..i always score boderline for it..
never an A.

sch was as usual today..
boringg...
after sch went to hg mall with beshtie..
went to pay some utilities bill and made a posb card!!
wad i wanted for the past 1 yr..
finally got it..and am so happy laa..
i was like smilin all the way non stop..
and beshtie said tat it was juz a card!
bud for me it was sth more than a card!
i was like ok2..fine..
i noe im weird alrite..
then bumped into shakina mum and talk to her for half an hr..
its like we have to stand and talk okeh!!
shakina laa..give the mother so much problem until the mother does nt noe wad to do alr!
change la shakina..
then,went to eat lunch which is at 5pm.
imagine how hungry i am ...
haha
and now chattin with frens online.. tats beshtie and me..=)

and tats taken on the year of 2005 i guess..
when im gettin to noe beshtie better..
and now we are bestfrends!

2007-12-28T19:12:00.001+08:00

how i wish i could look like last time when im nt sick!
its really bad when im sick!
feel like im dying u noe..
haish..
pls go away sickness..i wna lead a better life u c..
haha..as if..
juz read best bud blog and got to noe tat shes has started to work and stuff..
feelin abit hampa as she dint even tell me a thing..
haiyo ..nie blom lagi bukak skola tau yg best bud is driftin away..
aku rase kalau da bukak skola she might even forget me and the times..
haiyo..so =( ..
its no more like last time..
we dont talk much like last time..
but wadeva it is, im happy for her tat she has found a job and noe wad she wants to do in her life..
hmm.. for fad,the guy im cntactin. kesian die aku tgk..
told tat i had a bf..and he was like really sakit hati..
too bad laa..i cnt seems to get any near to him..idk y..
its like i promised him tat we will celebrate tiz comin new year together..but dk goin to jadi anot laa..its like his p8 is low and i have to ring his crib up laa which im afraid to do laa..im nt used to ring ppl crib up u c..especially a guys crib..
haish..
and now i need to go shoppin to get a white skinny pants tat goes well with my purple tube i guess..and of course a cardigan tat covers up my back and arms..and idk when will tat happen as i wanted to wear it on new year's eve which is a couple days away..plan to go clubbin with jolene.tat also dunno jadi anot laa..hope jadi laa..so long nvr go out with her u noe..
its so goin to be different nxt year...everybody goin to go on their own way..but tats nt goin to happen for me as i will always be wad i am and nt change..
=)
and now i wna go and watch tv..pretty bored down here typing my feelins out when nobody cares about it..so better go watch tv is much better..and theres no one at home so i can open as loud as i want..
haha..
tag soon..

2007-12-25T22:42:00.001+08:00

tats me and my best bud!
love ya 4 tat!!
well...
today had a great lunch and dinner..
its like one after another..
for breakfast i had pratas...
for lunch i had sambal goreng and nasi lemak..yumm!!
and dinner..i had beefsteak!
it was like i kept eatin and eatin.non-stop as it was the holidays..
its like i had put alot of weight!and its really alot like 10 pounds more to wad i am..
haish...
wad to do..its the holidays u c...
theres nothin much i wanted to do anyway..so i just sat and kept eatin..
lols..
the most intresting part..
at 9pm.went to see my best bud in the whole world..
introduce me to her new bf...
quite cute..with dimples u c..
then came harry and and khai..
asked how were my holidays and stuff..
told me tat i have PUT ON WEIGHT...Grrrr...
and i was like ya..i kept eatin at home..
as we were talkin and talkin..
its like i kept tellin tat they look like maman..
idk y..buts its kinda true..
and tats the guy(maman) im talkin about..

he's my best bud exboyfriend..
we were once very close bud only once..
haish..
ppl change...
its like i really miss my kampung ppl..
no matter wad they will always be there..
regardless of how we treat each other and stuff..
then after we met, went bck at hm at 10+..
and here i am bloggin..=)
and now..i wna eat again..yea!!
i love eatin...
lol...
blog soon...

2007-12-18T18:14:00.001+08:00

2007-12-18T17:23:00.000+08:00

heyy!!
i've just created my blog..
and i love it very much..
credits to lynn juliana..
thanks yaw..
today was the N levels results and its damn stressful 4 me as my cousins sebelah bapak thought tat im takin it..they kept callin and callin to ask how were my results..after thinking and thinkin decided to tell them tat i gt terlebih point which was 11 and told tat i wanted to retain hoping to take my O's..
well now its over and im relieved as nobody calls again..

today was like damn boring laa..
my sis and i wanted to catch a movie together due to the weather,we cancelled it!
its like so sucks laa..
haish..
nvm..
theres always always tmr..hehe..
and right now i have nothing to get me turn on and tats y im here bloggin..hehe..
kla..wna log off now..nothing much to say..bubbye..